I don't think I will ever be able to keep up a blog on a regular basis, but this website will remain here and when I feel the need to post something I guess I will. I doubt anyone is reading this anyway. Since my last post I have acquired a new job, and my body and mind are beyond happier.
It was a literal switch from night to day, and also a mental one. I was actually getting pretty suicidal again, or at least the thought of it. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out of that situation, and get myself into something that allows me to thrive as a human being.
I haven’t been making much art lately, mostly because my art has always been an outlet for bad thoughts and horrible feelings. I really haven’t had any of those since starting this new job, so I don’t feel the drive to create art as often.
I also notice myself getting angry at myself for not making art, or getting chest palpitations if I go too long without creating something. There is something in me that still wants to create art, it’s just harder to find the motivation to do it, because I’m not in a dark enough place anymore.
Having said all that, I think back to David Lynch talking about Van Gogh. He talks about how much more art, and how much better the art could have been if Van Gogh had been a happier person. Lynch doesn’t believe that you need to be suffering in the real physical world in order to create something dark. So as much as I keep telling myself that I’m happy now so I don’t need to keep making art, there is always that in the back of my mind telling me that my art can now in fact be better, or at least maybe grow in a new direction I never thought possible before. Something positive to think about for myself.
I’ve also started to experiment with ai (artificial intelligence) art software. What you do with it is put in a prompt such as “ man in trench coat floating in the middle of a dark room, 35mm, black and white.” The ai will then generate images which you can then manipulate and change further once they are done creating images based off your input. I’m still on the fence as to if I think this is me creating art. On one hand, without my exact prompt, that image would never exist, but on the other, it’s still a computer program generating that image, not me.
I’m trying to view it as a tool, rather than a way of making art. I’m also thinking that I will use it create something I wouldn’t be able to think of visually, and then I can always take pieces of them and make them into paintings, thus making it my own art that I actually crafted myself by hand.
I can’t think of anything else to say, my main reason for coming on here was to update the website a little bit and change a few things, so I figured for anyone who gives a shit, here’s a blog post with a bit of an update.