A week ago or so I sat down with weird thoughts of death in my head. Not suicidal thoughts, quite the opposite of that actually. It was the fear of dying one day, of not existing. What is the point to doing anything if you actually just don't exist one day? I think about this shit a lot, and I hate it. There's moments when I'm in the middle of my day at work and I would love to just break down and cry at the thought of my future self dying.
In my horrible mind state I decided to take to the internet in search of someone with answers on how to calm this thought process, or make it go away entirely. One person said to read something by Albert Camus, and that they felt some sort of comfort after reading things by him. I had a few of his books in my closet, but I never actually read them. So that day felt like the best time to do it, so I did. I picked up my copy of 'The Stranger' and read it from cover to cover in about three and half hours.
For the next few days I felt a weird calm about dying. Like it was going to be okay, no matter what comes after, or doesn't come after. A week after my good friend Sean picked me up a copy of one of his other books called 'The Fall'. Which I didn't have, so that was awesome. I've started reading his book called 'The Plague', but I've found myself getting sidetracked by reading Dungeon's and Dragons books to prepare for an upcoming campaign I'm running.
I've been feeling like crap and having weird thoughts about dying at work again recently. I think I need to focus on reading more Camus, or maybe just go see a therapist and see if there is another way to get these thoughts under control. They haunt me daily, it's actually horrible. It's like fearing a death that you assume will happen soon, but in reality it won't happen for another fifty plus years. (I hope)